Oil Crisis Stand Back

George Bush went to Saudi Arabia this week. In exchange for a massive arms deal, the Saudis agreed to increase petroleum production. It may not be a signed deal yet, but that's what happened. Every news agency covered it, because every American will be affected by it.

Crude oil reaches record prices and everyone shits their pants, but there's another crisis in this country that's receiving little or no attention, and I wanna know why.

That's right. I'm talking about beef jerky.


I go to the store looking to satisfy my omnivorous, G-d-given desire for meat, and I can't find a pouch of jerky for less than $5.99.

$5.99! Original, teriyaki, black pepper... even honey, and everyone knows honey's for girls. How are you gonna charge a girl $5.99 just because she wants some honey jerky? If me and my people were running things, you know that shit would be free. Clubs would have Ladies Nights, where ladies eat honey jerky for free until 11 pm.

The only solution I see is to form a jerky lobby. With the upcoming election, we need to start lining the pockets of some of these candidates so they don't forget what's important to the common man. You know that PETA's already talking to Hillary and Obama. We need to offset the damage those fuckers have already done, if it isn't too late. It's not right, and we don't have to stand for it anymore.

Beef jerky is every American's right. Why do you think the Constitution ensures the right to bear arms? Protection? Revolution? NO. It's so you can kill a live animal, dry his innards, and chew on them when 4 o'clock rolls around. Everyone knows that it's necessary for a free society.

Tell somebody. Tell them to tell somebody, and tell them to tell somebody to tell somebody. But then that's it, because we don't want too many people to know. Lord knows the only thing worse than overpriced jerky is an undersupplied jerky market. Ask an economist, he'll tell you the same. They teach that in 101.

My people... can I get an Amen?