iPhone 3G

My first week as an iPhone owner is coming to an end, and I'm sorry to
say that it has fallen horribly short of my expectations.

The whole "twice the speed" crap is a straight up lie. I have been
getting better results from the edge network by far, even for simple
tasks like refreshing my email inbox. It could be the fact that I live
in one of the busiest cities in the world, which no doubt puts a
strain on the network, but if your products main feature is speed and
you advertise it as such, then I say you'd best come with the speed or
not come at all.

And then there's the gps, which is actually a really cool feature...
when you actually get a signal, that is. If you're under any
structure, such as, oh, I don't know, say... A CAR ROOF OR SOMETHING,
you can pretty much forget finding your location. Additionally, I
think it works together with the Internet, which as I've
already mentioned is pretty spotty. Even as a telephone it sucks. I have trouble receiving my text messages, and hearing someone in that terrible earpiece is damn near impossible.

And then there's the battery life. The iPhone battery life is actually quite good if
you don't actually ever use it. But if you plan on playing with the
iPod or apps or even actually use it as a telephone, you better be
prepared to have a charger at home, at the office, in the car or
anywhere else you might possibly take this thing because that little
battery icon in the top right corner goes from green to red faster than the signals when Jimi Hendrix is stuck in crosstown traffic (completely irrelevant music reference).

So is there anything good about it? Well, it looks nice.

All I'm saying is that the next generation better come with video chat, broadband speed Internet and a free blowjob because this bullshit was not worth the five hour wait in line.

First mobile entry

Off the Stoop is officially mobile with the arrival of my new iPhone. You may now rejoice.

Get Some Nuts

Hey guys? Can we pull together a quick 10 mil for Hillary?

I heard on the news today that Barack Obama attended a fundraiser event, gave a great speech, and was later reminded by an aide that he had forgotten something. That something?

That Hillary Clinton is still in debt for $10 million, for a campaign that she took on, that everyone wanted her to end, that she carried on for months after the race was really over...

And could use some help paying it back.

What the hell kind of system is it that people chip in to help you pay back $10 million in debt? I have certainly never been in a system like that, though it sounds very nice. Imagine never wanting something, anything at all, from a Porsche to a candy bar, but not getting it because it cost money.

"Hmm... today, I think I'll get a Yellow Porsche convertible and drive it up to my mountain villa to pick up a flat screen television and some high end stereo equipment right before I jet off to the French Riviera. How do I afford it? Who cares? I'll just ask all my friends to pay the bills."

Bad news: everything is nothing. Don't shoot the messenger.

The Day I Didn't Wake Up

July 5th, 2008.

Last night's festivities have rendered me in a state of waking sleep. My eyes open, my faculties alert, I've been to Manhattan and back, achieved a sufficient number of tasks for a Saturday, and yet... I don't feel like I've actually woken up yet. It feels like there's a glaze over my eyes, like the membrane a crocodile uses to protect his eyes when he goes underwater. And all I can think about is sleeping again.

It's almost 8 pm, and I just finished an eggplant parm sub from Peppino's. Impressive for someone who's not even awake yet.

Cold War Kids

Going to see them tonight. Prospect Park. 7 PM. Also a guy named Elvis Perkins who sounds like he's worth checking out.

Full review on Monday, no doubt.

The Return Of.

Went away. Now I'm back.

"Hello."

Much has changed since last I wrote:

• I live by myself now. I moved into a one bedroom apt just a few blocks from my old place where I have taken the bold move of giving up television.
• I managed to adopt a mother pigeon and her two babies on my balcony, but with a little salt, pepper, and KC Masterpiece, I can already see the situation resolving in my favor.
  
• The Indiana Jones movie came out and apparently wasn't worth seeing (which is why I didn't see it).
• I joined a gym, and I'm seriously going to go a lot this time. Seriously.
• Barack Obama clinched the Democratic nomination at the same time that John McCain clinched his bladder to avoid pissing himself.
• I got tickets to see Bob Dylan ribbit at Prospect Park in August.
• And of course, summer has arrived, and with it, barbecues on the roof, outdoor concerts, and the slew of restraining orders that come with staring too hard at women in thin sundresses.
  

Of course, some things are still the same. I'm still in advertising, convincing people that their lives will somehow be improved if they buy a certain cell phone or other useless piece of garbage. But everyone's got their little quirks, Kelly Ripa nonwithstanding.

Hope all of my reader(s) are doing well and that I'll actually have something to say in the upcoming months.

Celebrate Brooklyn!

http://www.briconline.org/celebrate/2008season.asp
!!!

http://www.briconline.org/celebrate/2008season.asp
http://www.briconline.org/celebrate/2008season.asp
http://www.briconline.org/celebrate/2008season.asp
!!!!

AWESOME!!!

Obamarama

If I trust anyone's political opinion, it's Will.I.Am's of the Black Eyed Peas.

George Orwell

"We have now sunk to a depth at which restatement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men."

Oh yes.

Portrait of the Adnan as a young man

Homegirl got married again?!


You've come a long way, Adnan.

¡Orale, homes!

Emperor Tamarins ain't nuttin' ta fuck wit'.

If I had one, I would stroke its mustache all day. I would even grow my own mustache so we could stroke each other's.

My my my, it's a beautiful world.

The man who comes from a land down under, finished with his vegemite sandwich and singing a beautiful song.

Also loving this one, from San Francisco songwriter Chris Volpe.

Commercial

Hypocrisy

Don't you want to have a good shape?

Just look at what I've become a part of.

Fuck Planet Earth

Until I saw this video, I used to think all animals were cute. Even rats. But after seeing those starfish, I've decided that in order to be cute, an animal must at least have a face.

I don't think I'm asking for too much on that one, either.

Gorgeous

DIY Ambience

Smart work. This guy took all his used cds, ran a colored lamp through the center, and voila...


Instant chilldom.

All the News That's Fit to Read

Take a look at the front page for today's CNN.com:

I've about had it with "America's most trusted source for news." Take a look at this crap...

"Britney shows up for custody dispute."
"List of Oscar nominees."
"Patriots QB Tom Brady seen with foot cast."

The world is at the brink of disaster, and this is the kind of crap they consider newsworthy. You and I both know that there's only one item here worth reading:


Now that's a good story, and sadly enough, the only one I clicked.

For actual news, I'm enjoying daylife.com. Seems to carry more relevant stories, even when it's entertainment stuff.

Who likes turtles?

Oil Crisis Stand Back

George Bush went to Saudi Arabia this week. In exchange for a massive arms deal, the Saudis agreed to increase petroleum production. It may not be a signed deal yet, but that's what happened. Every news agency covered it, because every American will be affected by it.

Crude oil reaches record prices and everyone shits their pants, but there's another crisis in this country that's receiving little or no attention, and I wanna know why.

That's right. I'm talking about beef jerky.


I go to the store looking to satisfy my omnivorous, G-d-given desire for meat, and I can't find a pouch of jerky for less than $5.99.

$5.99! Original, teriyaki, black pepper... even honey, and everyone knows honey's for girls. How are you gonna charge a girl $5.99 just because she wants some honey jerky? If me and my people were running things, you know that shit would be free. Clubs would have Ladies Nights, where ladies eat honey jerky for free until 11 pm.

The only solution I see is to form a jerky lobby. With the upcoming election, we need to start lining the pockets of some of these candidates so they don't forget what's important to the common man. You know that PETA's already talking to Hillary and Obama. We need to offset the damage those fuckers have already done, if it isn't too late. It's not right, and we don't have to stand for it anymore.

Beef jerky is every American's right. Why do you think the Constitution ensures the right to bear arms? Protection? Revolution? NO. It's so you can kill a live animal, dry his innards, and chew on them when 4 o'clock rolls around. Everyone knows that it's necessary for a free society.

Tell somebody. Tell them to tell somebody, and tell them to tell somebody to tell somebody. But then that's it, because we don't want too many people to know. Lord knows the only thing worse than overpriced jerky is an undersupplied jerky market. Ask an economist, he'll tell you the same. They teach that in 101.

My people... can I get an Amen?

The Wire

Ok, yeah. It's a sick show.



Thanks to Lewis for loaning me Season 1. Looking forward to starting Season 2.

Richard Dawkins' Concept of the Middle World

There's no such thing as impossible... just different levels of improbable.

Still awake at 2 am

Snap, crackle, POP POP POP, mothafuckaaaaas.

Jeah, it's ya boy Crispy back in this mug, spittin' that ill shit for 200(H8).

Ya, ya grill... ya, ya, ya grill...

CNN.com says that we now have two new Bond girls for the next 007 film:

and

Exhibit A is Gemma Anderton, an English actress who will play an MI6 agent who Bond will no doubt end up with in the final scene (AKA the good Bond girl). The latter is Olga Kurylenko, a Ukranian model who will no doubt play a villain that wants to jump 007's bones and then kill him but, through no action of Bond's, who no doubt will end up dead herself (AKA the bad Bond girl).

I'm more excited to see another Daniel Craig performance than to see these two.

I mean they're fly and all, but when did Bond girls become so... generic? Where have all the Honey Ryders gone? The Broccolis best come up with some super sweet plot for this upcoming episode, because if after 22 movies you're still doing the same old same old, it's time to hang up the franchise.

It's 2:30 am. That's all for now.

The Undisputed Sweetness of the Alley-Oop

The alley-oop is clearly the sweetest move of any sport.

It's like a default highlight. It doesn't matter how nasty or quick or easy the alley-oop is, because every alley-oop is sweet in its own right. Observe:

A nasty, nasty alley-oop. Makes you wanna holler "gat-damn!" But then check this out:

Scientific. Almost like they plotted the course with a protractor. Alley-oops are every bit as dope at the high school level:

If you ever hear somebody say "I saw this alley-oop that wasn't so sweet..." you can call him on his bullshit with confidence: "No you didn't. Stop lying." Because when one guy passed it and another guy jammed it, you know he jumped out of his seat and yelled "OHHHHHHH!!!!" just like everyone else.

Even white guys can alley-oop with the slow motion sickness:

Of course, failed alley-oops are equally embarrassing as completed ones are awesome:

So go forth and alley-oop, my children... because it is good, because it is sweet, and because Crispy Browne said so.

Park Slope Receives Much Deserved Street Cred

January 6th, 2008. Gunshots. Bomb squads. SWAT teams. Snipers on the roof. Police securing an entire city block.

Just another Sunday night in South Central Park Slope.

Yesterday around 7, my roommate Mike runs in to tell us that there are police everywhere outside. We throw on our jackets and head out to the stoop to find SWAT teams, armored trucks, uniformed officers, plainclothes officers, a hostage negotiation team and a bomb squad robot running up and down our block. An officer of the law advises us to go back inside, as we don't want to be there "when bullets start flying." Sure enough, about two minutes later, we hear a gunshot go off down the block.

Crispy Browne narrates a poorly lit video of a bomb squad robot

I have yet to find a report on this from the press, but from what I've gathered from what I saw and what local bloggers have reported, some drunken lunatic across the street got into an argument with his family, pulled out a gun and was threatening who knows what.

So for hours, Slopers hung out their windows and perched on their rooftops to catch a glimpse of the action. Unfortunately, there was very little action, and it was stretched out over damn near 8 hours. It went a little something like this:

Police and SWAT teams all over the place. An armored truck shows up. A bomb squad robot rolls up the slope. Police move closer to the house. Police move away from the house. The bomb squad robot moves down the slope. A bigger armored truck shows up. Police move closer to the house again. The bomb squad robot goes back.

Repeat until 4 am.

At midnight, when I had had enough and wanted to sleep, the police negotiator grabs the mic and starts rippin' shit up:

"Come on, Dave. Dave, just come to the window, Dave. Dave, everyone wants to talk to you. Everyone's here for you, Dave. Dave, come on. Be considerate to your neighbors, Dave."

Thanks to my trusty earplugs, I was able to sleep, but my girlfriend stayed up, springing from the bed every half hour to catch the next tidbit of action. Apparently, Dave decided to cut the shit around 4 am, when he came outside and was driven away in an ambulance. With no hostages.

No hostages. A bomb squad robot, SWAT teams, police negotiators, sharpshooters on the rooftops, an entire neighborhood disrupted... and no hostages. I'm not talking like I know what I'm talking about, but that seems a bit excessive.

The point is, I want some respect for my hood. Next time someone raps about Brooklyn and starts calling out Bed-Stuy, East New York, Brownsville, I want someone to throw a shout out the one-one-two-one-five, knaamean?

Park Slope, fool. What?!