The Mysteries of One Man's Beard

WARNING:
The following depicts scenes of a graphic nature. Viewer discretion is advised.

When you date someone, you learn their peculiarities, emotionally and physically, and Ana has practically mapped the topography of my face. With her help, I learned this weekend, as you can see in the following photographs, there's more going on than might be considered normal for your run of the mill facial hair.

Now, we already know my beard is unusually colorful. There's red, brown and even white, but Ana kept insisting there was black. I did not believe her until she took photographs and sure enough, you could see tiny, thick black hairs... or were they?

Upon further inspection, it appeared that these were not single hairs but rather clusters of tiny, ribbon-like hairs which, with a minimal amount of effort, could be very easily plucked out. And so she did... every single one:

I'm not quite sure what to make of these. Does this happen to anyone else?

And then we come to the Great Red Spot, and I'm not talking about Jupiter. As this photographic evidence reveals, there is a giant swirling pattern forming on my face. What could this mean?

Theories, anyone?